What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 08:10
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I waited trembling.
Why don't I want to talk to my girlfriend when she loves me a lot? I feel bored.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
If gays can get married, why can't I marry my dog or a cheeseburger?
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I think the readers, may guess!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Comes on , in middle age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!